Can women be intimidating and kind?
Stern and sexy?
Bitchy and beautiful?
There are so many qualities women have been and continue to be shamed or rejected for.
When I was single, there was a popular conversation among the other single women I knew.
I would say, “I’m afraid I’m too much.”
Another consistent phrase was, “what’s wrong with me”… that there was something inherently flawed with me because I hadn’t met a partner with whom to spend the rest of my life.
And, who would (or could) love me unconditionally regardless of my shortcomings and faults?
I would see couples out and about, hand-in-hand staring into each other’s eyes and laughing together. What was their secret?
I wondered… Was she just tolerating his bad habits and not speaking up for her needs?
Did he have a woman on the side or was he letting her walk all over him?
I was convinced that people somehow compromised themselves in unhealthy, old outdated ways that left them fearful of losing love and connection with their partners even at the cost of their own needs. You know, co-dependency…
I knew I didn’t know how to ask for what I needed.
I was afraid of sounding like I was too needy or on the other hand, defending something because of all of the negative conversations going on in the back of my mind.
In previous relationships I’d been in, there was always something I didn’t agree with that he wanted me to compromise myself for. And when I didn’t comply he would dangle love at the end of a string like a carrot, threatening to take it away.
So I became fiercely myself. I met several women along the way who had done the same. A kind of claiming of one’s integrity and perseverance.
More and more I ran into similar stories about being rejected for speaking up, taking a stance, or asking for something they strongly believed in.
Of course, these are my own wounds so I had a radar for them, and I was still confused. Was it me or was it them who needed to surrender and be more kind, respectful or compassionate?
Growing up in a patriarchal family didn’t help. I was surrounded by quiet compliance. Women who served and nurtured at all costs. They gave their every need in the name of dedication to family and marriage.
So of course I followed suit, playing the role of a subservient woman. I gathered more and more evidence for physical illness and emotional imbalances being a sign that something was not quite right. Repressing feelings and not saying what’s really going on under the surface for fear of reactions… all pointed to the same thing. Women had forgotten who they were.
What do we want?
What are our preferences?
Is it really just hundreds of shoes, jewels, and looking pretty that satisfies our souls?
So we are unlearning these compliant behaviors. I see more single women living independently who like having their own space and living on their own terms. Women who chose not to have children. Women who travel the world and work remotely living wherever they feel like living without ties or responsibilities to anyone.
At some point I had to ask myself the question; Did I really want partnership and to live my life out with someone or would I prefer to go it alone?
In my heart I didn’t want to let go of the idea that it was possible to create a healthy partnership. To be married without having to sell myself out.
Now that I’ve found my person, it’s not an easy journey. There have been moments when we’ve both been fearful and angry. Sad and disappointed.
What I’m learning is that speaking up is essential. And, that I’m not the only one afraid to do so.
What is required is that we both let down our guard and let go of old stories. To entrust one another with our hearts even if we withdraw them in moments of feeling triggered by overwhelming emotions. To come back to what we are committed to together and notice our differences and hold them gently and with curiosity.
I’m incredibly fortunate to have found someone who wants to grow with me. To learn with me. To be patient enough to teach me with kindness, more about myself from his perspective. We both want to be better people, for each other, for our children, families and communities and the world.
There are enough challenges. We want to figure out how we can be on the same team and not make it harder for one another. With big hearts and inspired vision, we step forward together as our full selves.