As a young mother and budding entrepreneur in my mid 20’s, I was still very vulnerable and naive to the world of business, relationships and the choices I had available to me as a woman to decide my own life path.
My partner and I were living together and he was my main provider, paying the bills and buying our groceries. However, this also translated to him making the majority of our lifestyle and spending decisions. He had veto power so-to-speak, and if he didn’t see value in something I wanted it simply didn’t happen.
I gave away my power a lot. I also had a safe playground of security and a beautiful home to establish my business and cultivate comfort for my growing kids. Any work I chose to do became my spending money. I worked part time, took workshops and did trainings outside of traditional education to do some soul searching. I also hired various therapists, nutritionists and experimented with integrative health practitioners. I hired a coach and experts to help me with my tech needs. I had my taxes done and my house cleaned. I had babysitters and a gym membership.
Somewhere along the way I felt I was compromising myself. I had lots of opportunities, yes. Though at what cost? My kids were healthy and cared for. My basic needs were met. My relationship was stable. I began noticing that the moments of anger and resentment came more and more often. Even with an overflowing amount of gratitude, leisure and provision, I was dissatisfied by the misalignment in my values not being met.
I began working with a hypnotherapist. Her name was Nancy Hope. She was a psychic, artist, and author who channeled from spiritual realms. I was still becoming familiar with such things and even though I didn’t fully understand, I trusted Nancy Hope. I was curious and I knew hypnotherapy worked.
I uncovered deep wounds and fears. The relevance of beliefs I had held onto my entire life began to fall away as the illusions they were. Nancy Hope held so much compassion and matter-of-fact disposition that encouraged my confidence and belief in what I was feeling and sensing intuitively. I found truths about myself that I had never known words for. My heart began to surface from a place I didn’t know it had been hiding.
Over the next several years my relationship went through tumultuous phases. He moved out, I moved out. We separated for a year then bought a new home and came back together to try again. We tried to work with therapists and even a relationship coach to guide us through some enlightening conversations. After two years, it became clear. We were not a compatible couple and to stay together meant to destroy each other.
This was a heartbreaking realization. We had two beautiful children together. We had an ideal home and neighborhood. We had matching cars, went on weekend getaways and lived steps away from trails through redwood trees and along streams.
For me, it brought to light that one could have all the stuff but that didn’t matter if the relationship was not healthy and sound.
Nancy Hope was with me through it all. We took walks and talked. She had dreams about my journey and she would call to leave voice messages about insights and recommendations she had for me. She always held me in the light and pointed out my best interest. She named the opportunities of my decisions and reminded me to trust in the goodness of my growth and learning.
Over the next decade I dug in. I allowed things to move through me and run over me. My priorities and values became more clear than ever, even if I didn’t always choose them. I experienced so many tears and so much pain. I went through fearful mindsets and worried a lot. I found love and lost love over and over. I learned to love myself. I finally began to accept my own value and worth. And to see clearly the magical glow and vibrancy that needed no partnership to exist nor to reflect it back to me for me to know it, feel it or validate it.
I met my husband and a few years later he proposed. This last year we were married. Nancy Hope was there cheering the whole time. All of our kids are happy for us and we are thriving in the compatibility and alignment we cultivate our daily lives from. It feels like a miracle I can relax into for the rest of my life.
Nancy Hope is now on her deathbed, saying goodbye. She’s going home and into the light. She has found peace with her impending journey as gracefully as ever. I will forever know her gentle, powerful heart in my own. I’m ever present to the guidance she has offered me in finding myself, my truth and my way in the world. I feel she came along when I needed her most and now as I stand in love with a partner who matches my truth, she is departing.
May we all be so lucky to have elders around us to help us remember who we are in beauty, in light and in grace. Thank you, Nancy Hope.