Things have always come pretty easy for me.
Gymnastics. Sports. Math. Singing. Dancing. Driving go-carts. Making friends. Finding cool jobs and homes. Traveling. Receiving traded, discounted or free services and products. Riding a motorcycle. Re-inventing myself over and over.
So much so, that when things are difficult or don’t go the way I expected, I’m pretty disappointed and devastated. Playing guitar was one of those things. Being a single mom was another. Implementing various businesses and having them be less profitable than I was expecting happened more than once.
Now that I’m a few years away from 50, I’ve been considering this marker of time in the timeline of my life a lot. My perceptions of success have evolved… I used to think I would build my empire and change the world. Now I derive so much satisfaction when I inspire one person to shift towards a more positive or optimistic perspective.
You can’t buy that at a store. Nor can you order it on Amazon.
Often (perhaps it’s my perimenopause?) I find myself awake in the middle of the night, my mind chewing on this or that from the previous day, week, or year. I think of all the things I could’ve done better, or said or not done or should do… to be a better person. To contribute to or support others more effectively. To take better care of myself or others. Reviewing my “mistakes”, I feel I need to go back and apologize. To go and do all the things I “should” do before I die, to have people like me, or feel better about myself.
I try to be everything for everyone. My adrenaline races as I go from one thing to the next, being motivated and constantly pushing myself, inspired to make a positive impact on the world around me. I get some gratification and I feel accomplished… and then I’m exhausted. What I know about being exhausted is that I start to think negatively which I likely contributes to the insomniac conversations I have at night in my head.
When I ask myself what I really want to do, it’s not usually something that’s going to make a million dollars. Or maybe it will.
I want to write books. I want to do art. I want to hang out with old people and hear their stories. I want to make and grow healthy food for myself and the people I love (which is everyone!) I want to have a horse and a dog and play music and sing. I want to travel and host celebratory life moments with good food and loved ones. I want to leave the world in better condition than when I found it.
That last statement feels like a tall order these days. Like there’s a movement of unconscious people trying their hardest to lead us all to our demise. Hungry for what they deem “success”. I had a conversation with a friend this morning about how wounded someone must be to do such terrible things in and to the world.
Dropping bombs on civilians. Drenching our vegetables and infiltrating our soil and water systems with Glyphosate. Taking money from old people with online scams. Selling animals, women, and children for defilement and mistreatment.
So I keep checking in with myself. What more can I do? It becomes overwhelming so I can understand there are many people traumatized to complacency. I have days like that for sure.
Turning my focus to the positive is more sustainable for me. Looking up as I write in my backyard, I notice the small flower buds on our plumb tree and I smile. There is always good in the world.
I support people in getting relief from their pain, physically and emotionally. That is the work I get to do in the world. I pay attention to the difficulties people have and how they affect and mirror the global consciousness. I surround myself with those who trust there is something bigger than us all, holding it all so we don’t have to.
When we share our world, the weight is lighter.
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